I have always generally been my own worst enemy. A great many of my endeavours have been ruined or hampered by my own laziness, chronic inaction, fear or doubt. But generally that has been something I’ve been willing to live with. Such things are after all generally just an accepted fact of being human. But this weekend I found new and exciting ways to bring grief upon myself. For thus weekend I discovered that I must roam this mortal realm forever trapped inside a traitor.
I’m not talking about the mundane variety of joint aches or trifling back pain that I occasionally have to put up with. This was something insidious, cruel and unnecessary. My body waited, it picked its moment and then struck for devastating effect.
I was out on the town. I was consuming alcohol, but in no great or terrifying quantity. I was socialising, I was having fun. And then I got heartburn. Heartburn is without doubt one of the single most awful experiences I have ever suffered. And this is coming from a man who once shattered both of his front teeth on a metal bar, filling my mouth with gritty, white shards of tooth enamel. I’ve had it from time to time in the past, but it’s always more or less been something that could be dealt with, either by sheer force of will, deep breaths or by nuking it with little squares of machine pressed carbonates. But noooooo. My body just wasn’t having any of that. I’ve learnt to prepare myself for a surprise attack like this. When it struck I had 4 whole tablets of Rennies ready and willing to fight the fire in my gut. What I was not prepared for was them to have no effect. So feeling like someone was forcing a rail-road spike through my sternum, I sloped off home. Unable to cope with it and not having the strength to carry on. It was a massive, steaming brown shit on an otherwise unblemished white linen table-cloth of an evening.
I showered quickly then more or less fell out the clear, plastic door; crawled my way across the bathroom floor whereupon I then proceeded to vomit.
So all in all, the weekend has been a bit of a shitter and gives more than ample credence to my saying “Trust no-one; not even yourself; especially not yourself.”
And heartburn can just fuck right off.
February 11th, 2013 at 12:26 pm
Why must we be imprisoned and confined in this hideous perfidious flesh and compromised by these corporeal forms that screw up everything and constrain us over and over?! THIS HUMAN FORM IS HELL!
(Yeah, I’m sick of my body betraying me as well. Bring on major advancements in bionics…)
February 11th, 2013 at 12:49 pm
Cyborg or bust!
February 11th, 2013 at 1:09 pm
Too many Rennies, chief. I’ve done this before. The human stomach, like the critics of my hit rave album, can’t take the base.
February 11th, 2013 at 5:25 pm
That elicited more laughter than I should probably admit to.